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Who is
in control of your life? by
Helen Selenati
A
hallmark of self-sabotage is the tendency to blame others when things go
wrong. People who sabotage themselves generally take very little
responsibility for their lives. We all do some blaming. It’s part of our
nature to not take the rap when things don’t turn out as planned. Blaming
others serves the purpose of temporarily ridding ourselves of feelings of
guilt or responsibility. However, it also reinforces the idea that life is
out of our control, and that others can determine how things are going to go
for us. This causes much inner turmoil, leading to anxiety and feelings of
helplessness.
To stop the downward spiral of blaming others
and becoming the innocent victim of circumstances, we need to ask ourselves
how we have contributed to our problems. This does not mean that we have to
go overboard blaming ourselves for our troubles and getting stuck in a mire
of guilt. This self-blaming will also render us powerless to change our
lives.
I am not suggesting that everything that has
happened to you in your life is necessarily your fault. However, if your
past continues to haunt you, a tremendous amount of emotional energy is
invested in things that cannot be changed. Therefore, letting go of the past
will go a long way in helping you feel empowered. It is helpful to create a
personal responsibility statement for yourself that will put you back in the
driver’s seat.
Here’s a good example: “Bad things have
happened in my life, some of which I have had something to do with and some
I was a victim of. Either way I need to learn from these experiences and be
responsible to find ways to overcome the difficulties and negative
consequences.” Having your own personal responsibility statement will help
you stay in control of your life’s circumstances whenever you feel tempted
to step into the victim role.
Helen Selenati is a
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Coach. She has a
private practice in Redwood City and can be reached at
helen@selenati.com or by calling 650-596-0807.
Also visit
www.selenati.com |
